An Unconventional Way to Connect with Unconnected Kids

When doing any kind of Outreach Ministry to children, one thing that you typically experience is interactions with children that are “unchurched.” It’s the very reason we DO outreach. However, working with kids that come from traumatic backgrounds, as many of the children have had, can prove to be a challenge. There are some children who are in such a desperate need of love and attention that they soak up every single thing you have to offer. Then there are other children, who are the complete opposite. They will be belligerent, defiant, disrespectful, rude, etc. Your first instinct may be to expel them from the program as a form of “discipline.” This is where I am going to spend my time today, examining a little closer, this behavior of a child that makes your program hard to administer.

There are two schools of thought in this area. The first one we will examine is the typical punitive response. Usually, this is something like time out, exclusion, etc. For people that have little experience with “hard” children, this is typically the response we see. Now these people may genuinely love kids, have a lot of experience with kids, and not have any bad intentions. For children that have grown up in a loving, stable home, this type of discipline can be used as one of the tools in the “discipline” tool box. However, for kids that have not necessarily grown up in the most stable of homes, this type of discipline can prove to be detrimental.

To a child who has experienced rejection, it speaks rejection. To a child who has experienced abandonment, it speaks of abandon. To a child who has experienced chaos, it speaks confusion.

If a child has come to church, or to your outreach site, then usually that is a result of being compelled to come to a ministry or event that has the goal of reaching out in love. But if that child is then rejected from that very thing held the promise of love, what is that child going to think? Pushing a child away communicates that their behavior determines your emotion towards them.

Children that come from hard places are often dealing with a heart that has been damaged somehow. They have learned that it is easier to start off with aggression and sometimes even ridiculous behaviors to push you away. Especially if you have somehow communicated love or acceptance to them. It scares them, they almost don’t know what to do with it. In their mind, it is easier to push you away then for them to risk letting you in and being hurt by you later.

We see this in kids that have experienced loss. Kids in foster care, kids that have lost a parent, or kids that have learned to live without the presence of a stable parent, will often act out this way.

However, if a child is acting this way in the middle of your service or event, it obviously can derail the event. Are you supposed to ignore the behavior and hope it goes away?

I would like to suggest an alternative. This is the second school of thought that I personally use when dealing with kids from hard places. Instead of pushing a hard kid away, I draw them closer. Instead of a “time out” use a “time in.” 

For that disruptive child, I will often take them aside, sit with them, spend time with them, and then visit or connect with them throughout the week. This one on one time does not necessarily have to be long.

However, intentionally seeking out a relationship with a child does two things:

1. It teaches them that you sincerely care about them. This is something that many street kids don’t understand: the legitimate concern of an adult that wants nothing from them other than to help them and love them. Current research shows that 1 out of every 5 children are sexually abused. 1 out of 5! That means that if you have 20 kids sitting in front of you, 4 of them are sexually abused. And as is often the case with outreach sites, many of these kids are sibling sets which means that it is probably higher than that. This has an impact on how kids understand and receive information. They have been taught that adults are not safe. They have learned to put up walls. Walls mean defiance.
   
   
2. It creates the foundation for relationship. Relationships are how you minister to the heart of a child. Rules without relationships often lead to rebellion. Relationships with kids, quickly, become the motivating factor for them to behave. Respect is earned only after trust is earned. Trust takes time.